Two months of restriction would make any teenage girl go crazy and it is definitely driving me nuts. Here I am, on the last day of my confinement and my freedom so close. Two months without the use of a phone, without the ability to watch TV. And heaven forbid I pick up a book and start reading it because Mama seems to think reading is a luxury rather than a necessity. No music either considering music has the tendency to lift my spirits. Only communication to the outside world these past few long weeks have been through notes between Tristan and I, delivered by Ambrosia. The last few notes I received from him didn't seem very encouraging. Just a few lines of scribble, scribble, "Can't wait til...", scribble, scribble, "See you soon", signed "T-scribble."
"Cherie, I got a note from Tris," I hear Ambrosia's voice try to whisper without too much success.
"Shhh... don't let Mama hear you. You're too loud." But I nod anyway.
Mama chooses that very moment to walk in and gives me one of those looks that says "I know you're up to something. I don't know what it is but I'll find out and you'll be sorry." I sigh as softly as I possibly can because I know the only way I can get the note now is if I'm mean to Brosia. It's a tactic we've used a couple times before whenever the old woman seemed suspicious. I would yell at Brosia and tell her what an idiot she is and that I hate her. My little sister would then turn on the water works and run to her bedroom and slam the door behind her. Mama would give me one of her condescending looks and tell me that if I didn't apologize right now then I'd be restricted to my room for an additional week. I would then go in to make a sincere apology as loudly as I possibly could in case Mama was behind the door and listening. The note would exchange hands and Brosia would wink and smile. Everything worked out. Thank goodness for my sister's love for theatrics.
"Why don't you go get lost, Bros. I can't stand being this close to an idiot."
"Why don't you get lost, Cher... "
"I can't. I'm on restriction, duh. Or are you so stupid that you forgot why I've been home every day for two months."
I can see her lip trembling and the guilt just tears at my heart. I can't stand being mean to her. A tear trickles down her cheek. I nearly forget that she's only acting it out, almost reach out to pull her into the bear hug I usually give her to comfort her.
"I.." Swallowing the lump in my throat, I finally let the words go. "I hate you!"
The little girl's face looks so utterly sad before she rushes out of the room to seek the sanctuary of her room, slamming the door behind her. Mama and I can hear the sobbing. All I can do is stare at the door.
"Go apologize to her or else you're...."
"I know, I know... Or else I'm grounded to my room for a week."
"No, you already are. Congratulations Cheriah. I was going to say for an extra week after that one is up, but your sarcasm earned it for you. Now, go apologize and then go to your room. You're not to come out unless it's time to eat or you have to use the restroom. No games, no books, no paper or pencils."
My mouth hangs open from sheer shock. How could this plan backfire? It's not like I told Brosia I hated her every single day. Not like how my brothers did to me.
"Maybe you should ground Tony and Mitch, Mama... they always call me names. This isn't fair at all."
"You can tell me how to be a mother when you have kids of your own. Now go."
I want to scream at her and call her every name in the book, but I don't. Instead, I flip her off and stalk away, hoping to be ensconced in Brosia's room before the woman realizes I had the audacity to do such a thing. No such luck. Mama reaches out and grabs me by my long pony tail, forcing me to fall backwards to land at her feet.
"I've had enough of you, Cheriah Merrique De'Velvis. Quite enough. Start packing because you're leaving."
"But where am I going?" Tears pool up in the corners of my eyes but I refuse to let them flow, I can't show this woman that she won.
"Tante Sophie's."
"B-but she's in France, Mama. You can't send me to France."
"You want to bet?"
"For how long?"
"Indefinitely. Now go apologize and pack."
June 4, 2005
Boredom has a way of coaxing you into doing things you should have done a long time ago but didn't want to do and I happen to be immersed in the worst waves of boredom I have ever experienced. Sitting before the computer screen, I decide to log onto the wonderful World of Warcraft and stare at monitor for a while as a new wave of thoughts hit me. My stare turns into a glare after but a few moments and my fingers begin to tap out a familiar pattern on the desktop. The tattoo suddenly ends as I hear the words break the otherwise silent atmosphere "Oh, shit!"
The realization that this man plans to settle down with me makes me want to smile at first, but I can't seem to help but understand that I am utterly incapable of bearing a child and more than like conception would be impossible. Hadn't I gone this long without the use of birth control with no pregnancy occuring? The man's screwed, I think to myself. I love him but he deserves children and that's that. Perhaps it's just best to leave now before I get even more attatched to him. Best to let go and not attatch myself to anyone else because I have nothing to offer the world except for my existence and that's often not enough. It may be enough now, but in five years he'll want more. They always do.
April 2, 1996
1* First grade teacher's name: Ms. Gonzalez. Tristan and I were in the same class again that year and Ms. Gonzalez was a mean, cranky old... you get the picture
2* Last word you said: Tante
3* Last song you sang: Professional Widow - Tori Amos
4* Last person you hugged: Tante Sophie
5* Last thing you laughed at: I can't really remember the last time I laughed. I've been ensconced in France since my mother threw her conniption fit four years ago.
6* Last time you said I don’t remember: Ummmm.... I don't recall
7* Last time you cried: When I received Tristan's last letter telling me he was going into the service and he doesn't know when he'll be able to visit me next. It was the first letter I received in a year. Something's wrong. I don't know what it is, but I know something's going horribly wrong.
9* What color socks are you wearing: I don't like things on my feet if I don't have to... so, I'm barefoot.
10* What's under your bed: My shoes
11* What time did you wake up today: 3:45 a.m. I just couldn't sleep anymore not with the nightmares plaguing me.
12* Current taste: I have no appetite.
13* Current hair: Strawberry blonde waves that fall to my waste. I usually have it pulled up though 'cause it gets in the way.
14* Current Annoyance: Not knowing the nature behind Tristan's decision
18* Current worry: Tristan would never enter the service. Why is he doing it? Something's wrong and not knowing what it is worries me.
19* Current hate: Distance and uselessness.
20* Current favorite article of clothing: None
21* Favorite physical feature of the preferred sex: Who cares really.
22* Last CD that you listened to: Tori Amos' "Boys of Pele".
23* Favorite place to be: I don't have the desire to be anywhere in the world unless Tristan is there.
24* Least favorite place: And he's not here so I don't want to be here.
25* Time you wake up in the morning: In between 6 and 8 am. It really depends on what my plans are for that day.
26* If you could play an instrument, what would you play: The piano. My fingers are really stubby, but it's a beautiful instrument.... the universal language of music.
27* Favorite colors: The intermingling colors of blue and green. Turquoise, like his eyes.
28* Do you believe in an afterlife: I hope that maybe there is an afterlife
29* How tall are you: 5'2"
30* Current favorite word/saying: Tet toi
31* Favorite book: None at the moment.
32* Favorite season: Fall
33* One person from your past you wish you could go back and talk to: Daddy
35* Where do you want to go for college? In the U.S. Perhaps go to University of California, Riverside.
36* What is your career going to be like: I'm not sure.
37* How many kids do you want: None
*HAVE YOU EVER...*
39* Said "I love you" and meant it: No, because I've never really been given the opportunity to. Here I am at 17 going on 18, thinking I've fallen in love, but how can I say the words and mean them when there's thousands of miles between us, including the Atlantic.
40* Gotten in a fight with your dog/cat/bird/fish – Qu'est que ce?
41. Been to New York: Once but I wasn't impressed.
42* Been to Florida: Non, mais c'est d'accord.
43* Been to California: Was born there and missing it.
44* Been to Las Vegas: Yes, a couple times. But I was just passing through.
45* Been to Mexico: Once, and again, I wasn't impressed.
46* Been to China: Non, merci.
48* Dreamed something really crazy and then it happened the next day: Many times
52* Do you have a crush on someone: If you want to call it a crush, I suppose I'll let you.
53* What book are you reading now? "Paradise Wile"
54* Worst feeling in the world: Feeling like my hands are tied behind my back.
55* What is the first thing you think when you wake in the morning?: Tristan
56* How many rings before you answer: 2-3
57* Future daughter's name: Sophie, apres mon Tante Sophie
58* Future son's name: Tristan
59* Do you sleep with a stuffed animal: I sleep with my black cat nestled against me, but I wish I were laying in someone's arms and feeling loved.
60* If you could have any job you wanted: A writer? Maybe.
61* Wish were here: Tristan
62* College plans: I would really like to at least get a Masters in something.
63* Piercings: Just my ears, now with two holes in each.
*THE EXTRA STUFF*
64* Do you do drugs: Nope.
65* Do you drink: I do occasionally. It helps drown out the intensity of my emotions.
67* What kind of Shampoo and Conditioner do you use: Garnier Fructose
68* What are you most scared of: Failure and Uselessness
69* What clothes do you sleep in: T-shirt and sweats or shorts.
70* Who is the last person that called you: Sasha
71* Where do you want to get married: I don't think I'll ever be getting married.
72* If you could change anything about yourself what would that be: Having a good intuition?
73* Who do you really hate: Just hypocrites in general
74* Been In Love: Perhaps this will be my one and only time, because I don't want to go through this misery again.
75* Are you timely or always late: Often late.
76* Do you have a job: Non.
77* Do you like being around people: Non.
78* Best feeling in the world: None
79* Are you for world peace: Who cares?
80* Are you a health freak: Non.
81* Do you have a "Type" of person you always go after: None
82* Do you want someone you don't have? Oui
83* Are you lonely right now: Oui, very much so.
*IN THE LAST 48 HOURS, HAVE YOU...*
87* Cried: Oui
88* Bought Something: Non
89* Gotten Sick: Non
90* Sang: Oui
91* Said I Love You: Non
92* Wanted To Tell Someone You Loved them: Oui
93* Met Someone: Non
94* Moved On: Non
95* Talked To Someone: Oui
96* Had A Serious Talk: Non
97* Missed Someone: Oui
98* Hugged Someone: Oui
99* Had intimate relations with someone: Non
100* Yelled at Someone: Oui
101* Dreamed About Someone You Can't Be With: Oui
84* Ever afraid you'll never get married: Afraid of marriage. Je suis desolee.
85* Do you want to get married: Never
86* Do you want kids? Non
16* Current longing: Please just.....
17* Current desktop background: End it.
| TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey | |
| Name: | Cheriah Merrique De Velvis |
| Birthday: | October 26, 1978 |
| Birthplace: | Riverside, CA |
| Current Location: | Le Havre, France |
| Eye Color: | Green |
| Hair Color: | Strawberry Blonde |
| Height: | 5'2" |
| Right Handed or Left Handed: | Left Handed |
| Your Heritage: | French mostly, but I also have a very small amount of Irish and Cherokee |
| The Shoes You Wore Today: | Bare-foot (No school + No Tristan=Boredom and no shoes) |
| Your Weakness: | Erm... I have weaknesses? Where? Oh, perhaps I did rely a little too much on Tristan. Being alone is my weakness then, I suppose. |
| Your Fears: | Heights, deep water. |
| Your Perfect Pizza: | Pepperoni, Sausage, Olive, Canadian Bacon, and Bell Pepper with ranch dressing rather than the pizza sauce. |
| Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: | Get a reply letter from Tristan |
| Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: | Instant messenger? I only know about electronic mail. I guess I'll have to talk to Tante Sophie. |
| Thoughts First Waking Up: | I basically just lay awake and stare at the ceiling for about half an hour, trying to figure out what I'm going to do that day. |
| Your Best Physical Feature: | I can't think of any, en ce moment. |
| Your Bedtime: | Around 10 p.m. |
| Your Most Missed Memory: | Building mud cities with Tris |
| Pepsi or Coke: | Pepsi |
| MacDonalds or Burger King: | How I miss Burger King |
| Single or Group Dates: | Group Dates are for fun, and Single dates for romance |
| Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: | Lipton Ice Tea |
| Chocolate or Vanilla: | Vanilla |
| Cappuccino or Coffee: | Cappuccino |
| Do you Smoke: | No, I'm only 16 |
| Do you Swear: | Occasionally |
| Do you Sing: | Oui |
| Do you Shower Daily: | Oui |
| Have you Been in Love: | Non |
| Do you want to go to College: | Oui |
| Do you want to get Married: | Non, never |
| Do you belive in yourself: | Sometimes |
| Do you get Motion Sickness: | Sometimes |
| Do you think you are Attractive: | Sometimes |
| Are you a Health Freak: | Non |
| Do you get along with your Parents: | Non, Mama is une chienne and Daddy died quite awhile ago. If he was still alive today, I wouldn't be stuck in France with Tante Sophie. |
| Do you like Thunderstorms: | I love them but rarely ever do I get to witness one. |
| Do you play an Instrument: | Sometimes I play the piano... or pretend I can play one |
| In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: | Oui, I'll admit I had a dacqueri. (Mmmm... strawberry) |
| In the past month have you Smoked: | Non |
| In the past month have you been on Drugs: | Non |
| In the past month have you gone on a Date: | Oui. Such boredom. I couldn't stand it. |
| In the past month have you gone to a Mall: | Non |
| In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos: | Oui. |
| In the past month have you eaten Sushi: | Non, disgusting. Who in their right mind would enjoy raw fish? Fou! |
| In the past month have you been on Stage: | Oui |
| In the past month have you been Dumped: | Non, I did the dumping |
| In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: | Non |
| In the past month have you Stolen Anything: | Non |
| Ever been Drunk: | Non |
| Ever been called a Tease: | Non |
| Ever been Beaten up: | Non |
| Ever Shoplifted: | Non |
| How do you want to Die: | Peacefully |
| What do you want to be when you Grow Up: | I haven't a clue |
| What country would you most like to Visit: | Je ne sais pas. |
| In a Boy/Girl.. | |
| Favourite Eye Color: | Turquoise |
| Favourite Hair Color: | Blue-black, like the color of a raven |
| Short or Long Hair: | Longish but not too long |
| Height: | Je ne sais pas |
| Weight: | Je ne sais pas |
| Best Clothing Style: | Who knows |
| Number of Drugs I have taken: | None |
| Number of CDs I own: | Too many |
| Number of Piercings: | Just a piercing in each ear |
| Number of Tattoos: | None |
| Number of things in my Past I Regret: | Leaving the U.S.A without a fight. |
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS! | |
The middle of the U.S.
June 2003
The cell phone rings it's high pitched sound as often it does whenever my best friend is calling. Yet I haven't heard from him in months. The last I heard from Tristan... Well, he said he was doing well, but I heard the uncertainty in his voice. His voice cracked as he described the new life he found for himself in Northern California, somewhere near San Francisco. He was living in a small town off the bay with his girlfriend of a year and his newborn daughter, Alexa. Again, I could hear it in his voice, hear his heart swell with pride as he was speaking of his new twinkling star. I couldn't help but smile, but something was clenching my own heart, forcing me to gasp for breath. It was as though there was a fist wrapped around my heart and it was squeezing tighter with each moment that passed.
As it's doing now with each deafening ring. I glance at the clock and furrow my brows in worry as 2:33 a.m. flashes at me. Something's wrong... My gaze travels to the stirring figure beside me as my hand gropes for the phone plugged into the wall on the bedside table. Something's wrong....
"Shhh... It's Tris. I have to answer it... something's wrong.... " The words get stuck in my throat as I verbalize my fears. But it's not a fear, it's really happening. My intuition's screaming at me to hurry up and answer the phone... something's seriously wrong.
I kiss his brow and move into the next room to finally answer before the final ring can take Tristan to voicemail.
"Tristan?"
"Cherie."
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"Bullshit and you know it. I feel it, Tris. Something's wrong and you can't hide it from me. I've known you too long to be lied to by you. You know better than that. It's Cherie. You can tell me."
There was a long drawn out sigh.... "Cherie..."
"Oui, Tris... c'est Cherie." It's obvious that I'm drowning in a world of fear... it was the only time I slipped into French. I silently curse my mother for her forcing the language on me not long after....
"Cherie, it's okay. I'm just...."
"She didn't! Oh, tell me she didn't. I'm gonna kick her ass. Where is she Tristan? La chienne is gonna get it. She took Alexa too, didn't she?" I growled and find myself grasping for the door to the outside world, knowing I'm getting lounder by the moment. Tristan always did say I was loud........
"You're too intuitive by half, Cheriah."
"Don't call me that. Only Mama calls me that anymore and I hate her."
"Yes, she left me and took the baby. I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm...."
"Get off the bridge, Tristan and come here immediately. If you don't, you'll regret it."
"Why? What do I have left, Cherie? She took everything from me."
"Because.... because.... you know why, Tris. Don't tell me you don't. You've always known why. Now do it."
